Watch Dogs on PC (6/10)

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Ubisoft only knows how to make these open world games with paper-thin story lines and lots of side challenges that don’t amount to much. I had already played the sequel (which I got for free) before I had played Watch Dogs (which I also got for free). Apparently, if you wait long enough, all Ubisoft games will eventually be free. I knew what to expect going into this: lots of “hacking” which consists of vaguely Pipe Dreams style puzzles or, more often, just holding down the “Q” key. My main reason for not passing on this was the prospect of exploring a virtual Chicago. Turns out in Montreal they think Chicago is surrounded by rolling hills and filled with exploding steam pipes.

The game does what it does well enough. I suppose I could have spent hours and hours finishing side missions, but the fact of the matter is that much of the tasks are just not very interesting. Taking down gang hideouts is fun and a few of the racing challenges are okay, but that’s about it. Some of the more hacker-ish things are just about looking for the correct camera or following glowing wires until you reach a box with a “Hack” icon above it. Watch Dogs 2 is superior in most respects. In that game you get drones and other tools to exploit. There is far more variety and fun to be had in virtual San Francisco, so skip this one and play the sequel.

Star Trek: 25th Anniversary on MS-DOS (7/10)

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I remember watching my housemate play this game quite a bit back when we were in college. I don’t think he had the CD-ROM version—which included voice acting from the original cast. Luckily this GOG.com version has all the recorded elements (and none of the weird DOS set up problems). Yup, there’s nothing like hearing an aged, breathy-voiced DeForest Kelley read mediocre video game dialogue!

The past few months I have been in a Star Trek state of mind as I have been streaming episodes of The Next Generation. This game really seems to capture the essence of the shows. This is despite the opening space battle which, to me, really doesn’t feel very Trekish. Space combat pops up a few more times, but, for the most part, the game is about beaming down to worlds, exploring and solving problems. It’s broken up into nice short episodes, each with their own flavor and challenges.

As for the adventure gaming, it is pretty good but there are a couple annoying moments about halfway through the game. The Harry Mudd episode is funny but lacks purpose. The “Feathered Serpent” episode has a couple of puzzles that rely on you having taken notes early on and having a knowledge of base-3 numbers. And the final episode has a game stopping bug that will leave you wandering around with nothing to do until you are finally killed when time runs out. I can’t imagine how infuriating this game was before the age of internet walk-throughs and hints.

Just like the original show, the plots leave nothing for Sulu, Chekov, Mr. Scott or Uhura to do but sit on the bridge and mope around. It was also severely lacking in Kirk mountain-punching. Seriously, what’s TOS without some Ponfarr ritual battles?

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (3/10)

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I was hoping for another Luc Besson film at least on par with The Fifth Element, but this was terrible. It has some of the worst casting I have ever seen. The lead has an annoying surfer dude voice and his co-star is only capable of vacant stares. Terrible dialogue, wooden acting and standard clown-vomit video game style action sequences. Pretty colors though.

Berberian Sound Studio (6/10)

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The only reason to watch this movie is to get a feel for how the sound design was created in Italian giallo movies. Unfortunately, this drifts too far into art film territory. More to confusing than entertaining. Half the dialogue is in Italian and is deliberately not subtitled in order to hammer us over the head with the disorientation that the main character is feeling. It just never went anywhere.

Destiny 2 on PC (6/10)

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I’ve been playing this off and on for the past few months. This is supposedly designed as a multiplayer experience and have been playing it as such. The campaign is not at all interesting narratively. It has something to do with a bad guy with a space hare lip controlling an orb thing that grants powers to the good guys. I lost interest in the first cut-scene.It’s all very pointless and boring.

But the multiplayer game-play is crazy fun, right? Not exactly. The game doesn’t really do anything original with its mechanics. Just a basic FPS with game modes that amount to defend this thing, destroy this thing or capture that thing. There is no satisfying end goal. The hook is supposed to be finding exotic weapons and gear. Who cares? Borderlands did this but it didn’t take itself seriously. It was fast and fun. Destiny 2 tries to pass itself off as an MMO or something but it just manages to make the game bland and repetitive.

Caged Heat (7/10)

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This should be a standard Roger Corman women in prison movie, but it was directed by Jonathan Demme and supposedly stands out from other movies in the genre. I wouldn’t go that far. It’s about as sleazy as these films come and hits all the required check boxes. But there are quite a few long, almost arty, boring stretches at the beginning. The last act is entertaining but what would make a film like this stand out for me would be some better developed characters and maybe a few plot twists. Oh, and Pam Grier.