Legendary Junk of China

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Tonight I just started to watch The Legendary Weapons of China again by mistake. This is why I keep blogging these movies. I will eventually forget I’ve seen them before. In any event, I forgot how awesome the first ten minutes of this film is (the rest is not that great). Leave it to the Shaw Brothers to create movies that are written for eight year-olds but filled with all sorts of graphic violence. The best moment is when a fighter is commanded to rip his crotch out. At first he has a very dainty technique:

But it ends with a quick grab and, a backwards flop, and then a fistful of gore flying through the air:

Here it is in case you missed it:

Romantic Fish Eating

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The Italian thriller Death Walks on High Heels is not terribly noteworthy even within the tiny cinematic sub-genre of giallo. There is, however, one scene in the movie that does jump out like a breaching marlin. It is the only film that I know of that sexualizes the eating of a grilled fish dinner.

Nothing foreshadows an evening of passionate romance like a cart of dead fish.

The flames of love have erupted beneath a pile of gnarly meat and scales.

That’s right, no silverware required. The best way to appreciate good food is by touch.

Next step, start ramming globs of flaky white meat into your mouth.

Be sure to chew carefully. You wouldn’t want to cut the evening short with a bone caught in your trachea. Well, a fish bone that is.

Here’s the Lucio Fulci close-up gore moment.

By the end, her fingertips are just covered in half-chewed fish matter.

And that calls for a little clean up.

Now, bear in mind this scene goes on for like two minutes. The images of Nicole chomping are interspersed with clips of her lover, Dr. Matthews smoking, taking sips of what I suspect is J&B Scotch and then staring at her with creepy middle-aged man-eyes. I’m sorry, but there is nothing sexy about this and, for the record, I still hate seafood.

Beautiful Agony: The Many Faces of Lou Ferrigno

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Luigi Cozzi’s Hercules is one of the greatest movies ever made about bear punching. Part of what really sells the bear punching in this film is the pure rage depicted in the facial expressions of the movie’s star, Lou Ferrigno. In order to demonstrate this, I have compiled some best stills from the movie for your browsing enjoyment. Note the vein-popping fury shown here as Mr. Ferrigno enters his fugue state of uncontrollable ferocity.

Fully enraged, let the bear punching begin! 

There’s only one place for the likes of you… SPACE!!!

Raaarrrrr! Die erector set monster! DIE!

Chariots of the gods? Hell no! Chariots of throbbing rage!

I am Hercules, son of Zues.Taste my FURY!!!

I will crush your puny minons and feast on their souls!!

My back may be against a wall, but your false gods will wither before my screams!

Arrrgh! By the gods, my wrist is aflame!

The weak shall perish!

Something, something FURY!!!! Expect a glossy coffee table book soon.

Stills from Kill Baby, Kill

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My Halloween movie fun-run continues with Mario Bava’s Kill Baby, Kill. Not really his finest work, but it is memorable for the scenes of the ghostly child at the windows.

This is a very creepy still, but, in the context of the movie, it doesn’t come off as eerie as it could. I’m probably the 9000th person to post this screenshot on the Web, but any Kill Baby, Killpost must include it.

Kill Baby, Kill - Cursed

The film is filled with more great compositions such as this one in which a young girl is compelled to impale herself with a sconce.

Kill Baby, Kill - Spiral Staricase

Italians sure do love their spiral staircases. As a note to budding architects who work in cities with high counts of maniacs and vindictive ghosts: a simple straight flight of stairs is probably a bit better in emergency situations. Oh, and avoid the metaphysical endless room loops.

Images from Lucio Fulci’s Conquest

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Lucio Fulci's Conquest - Laser Arrow
The faceless LASER-bowman who threatens Ocron in her writhing sleep.
Lucio Fulci's Conquest
That symbol on my head means I have no friends, only enemies… and the friends you will meet in the next reel.
Lucio Fulci's Conquest Arg!
Random innocent killed so our heroes can steal his food.
Lucio Fulci's Conquest
The movie appears to have been filmed in smoke-o-vision.
Lucio Fulci's Conquest Zombie
Okay, I have to admit these cobwebbed zombie ghouls are pretty cool.

Read my micro-review of the film.

Video Games Are Derivative? No!! Okay, yes.

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Ya know, I love me them video games. I would go so far as to argue that video games are, well… can be, art. However, I have to admit that even the best video games are a bit lacking in the originality department. Take, for example, this screen shot from Yahoo showing three upcoming games:

Derivative Video Games

Stubble-faced muscle men abound in the video game world.