My Lucky Stars (6/10)

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I swear this is the last of the Lucky Stars movies I will watch. For the first ten minutes I thought that this one was going to be the one. The opens with Jackie Chan action stunt work and I thought, “Finally, they are going to tie the two stories together in a meaningful, action-packed way!” Nope. Action ends and it’s back to an hour of pervert antics as Sammo and crew are hired to find Jackie with, surprise surprise, a sexy female partner who all the middle aged dudes want to grope. I’ll admit there was one laugh-out-loud joke involving ordering Japanese food, but it was obviously a live-action retelling of one of Blanche Knott’s Truly Tasteless Jokes. Like every other entry in this series, it ends with some decent fight sequences but it’s too little, too late.

Blake Stone: Aliens of Gold on MS-DOS (6/10)

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Blake Stone was based off the Wolfenstein 3-D engine and included many graphical and game play improvements. The floors and ceilings are textured, there are many more enemies, a automap, and you can move back-and-forth through levels. All that is great but those were baby steps compared to the seismic shift that Doom brought to the genre. “So what?” You might ask, but realize that Doom was released a week after Blake Stone. One could say the game was doomed from the start, har har har!

Taken on its own merits the game is still okay especially when compared to Wolfenstein. It’s fast-paced and offers a little more variety. It still feels more like navigating a maze than exploring a world. Each episode is book-ended with some flavor text but it doesn’t ever really amount to a story.

The game is best approached as a leisurely time killer more akin to an iPhone game than an epic PC experience. There is some challenge at the higher difficulty settings but that comes more in ammo management rather than tricky enemy A.I. I didn’t hate it, but it is not an essential retro FPS. Rise of the Triad is a much better bridge between Wolf 3-D and Doom.

Wheels on Meals (7/10)

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Wheels on Meals is a 1984 Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung movie that is a precursor to the horrible Lucky Stars films that would follow. Fortunately, here the action take precedence over the uncomfortable comedy. It’s the story of two skateboarding food truck vendors in Barcelona who get caught up in Sammo’s investigation of a female pickpocket. The stunts are nowhere near as crazy as peak Jackie Chan, but the ending features so pretty good martial arts work.

Winners & Sinners (6/10)

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It’s the origin story of the perverts from Twinkle Twinkle Lucky Stars! It really isn’t much better than the sequel but it has an incredible Jackie Chan stunt sequence in which he roller skates under a semi-truck and causes a thirty car pile-up. Of course, that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie which is comprised of mostly overly-long and incoherent “comedy” sequences.

The Possessed (7/10)

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A 1965 proto-giallo about a novelist who returns to an off-season resort in search of a girl he photographed the year before. Turns out she died and mystery shenanigans ensue. The atmosphere is moody and the pace is slow, but it is padded with an exceptionally rich score. The structure can be a bit too arty for its own good as visions, dreams and memories at inter-cut in a manner which only serves to confuse the viewer. It’s one of these mysteries where there are like five characters total, so the whodunnit reveal is never very surprising.

Twinkle Twinkle Lucky Stars (5/10)

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Sammo Hung directs and stars in this incoherent mess of a movie. You would never know he’s the star from the promotional images. They all prominently feature Jackie Chan instead of Sammo. Jackie does his stunt fight thing for a couple of scenes, but most of the story is about our heroes, The Lucky Stars: a group of pervy men trying to grope and peep women. The comedy is painfully unfunny and the premises always go on way too long. There are maybe three standard Hong Kong action sequences that seem like they were spliced in from another, better movie. After watching, I found out this is part three in a trilogy of films. This probably explains some lack of any development (or explanation) of the main characters. I guess now I will have to torture myself with the other two movies.

Dark Messiah – Might and Magic on PC (6/10)

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When Steam launched in the early 2000s and everyone hated the idea of downloading their games, there were only a handful of games available. I remember Dark Messiah being one of the first non-Valve games on the platform. It had a demo which I tried and enjoyed. You were able to kick enemies and watch the physics engine do its magic. I thought, “this is cool” and then promptly forgot about it for a couple of decades.

Well, I’ve finally played the game in its entirety and doesn’t quite stand the test of time. Despite using the Source Engine, it has some pretty bad performance issues. In theory, I should have been able to play this at 1080p with all the bells and whistles turned on. I had to down-res it and go to medium settings and it still had below average frame rates.

Then there is a sluggishness to the controls. Every attack is prefixed with a swirling weapon flourish that just makes everything seem unresponsive. The kicking and throwing physics attacks are still okay, but they are under-utilized and less effective than they could be. Half-Life 2 did it much better.

All that said it’s not unplayable. The levels are (thankfully) pretty on-rails making it a more casual gaming experience than a modern open-world RPG where you are forced to follow quest arrows and talk to boring NPCs. In a bit of a twist, your character isn’t necessarily a good guy. There is a “good” ending, but where’s the fun in that? There’s a lot of unrealized potential in this game and it’s too bad it doesn’t hold up.

The Crimson Diamond on PC (7/10)

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The Crimson Diamond is a throwback to early Sierra 3-D adventure games like King’s Quest and Space Quest. Unlike their far-more refined contemporaries at LucasArts, the Sierra games still used a text-based parser instead of a pure point-and-click interface. The text input allows for much more detail in the way puzzles are structured, but it also introduces some major annoyances in terms of guessing verbs in hopes of instigating a particular action.

The Crimson Diamond attempts to mitigate some of these known problems by including quite a few quality-of-life improvements like a notebook and shorthand commands for common actions. Overall the game manages overcome most of the limitations of the mechanics. As far as adventure games go, it was not as difficult as any of the original Sierra titles were but there’s a bit of a twist to that assessment that I will discuss a bit further down.

Much like the very first graphical adventure Mystery House, this is a murder mystery. You play as a mineralogist assigned to investigate if diamonds indeed exist in the remote Canadian forest area of Crimson. You find yourself in a lodge filled with suspicious characters and then shenanigans ensue. The setting is mostly limited to the lodge and grounds around it and the game-play is very process oriented: collect fingerprints, identify footprints, and eavesdrop on conversations.

It’s all wonderfully illustrated and written with quite a few memorable characters. The art style mimics that second wave of Sierra games starting with (I think) King’s Quest IV in which the graphics are still pixelated, the palette is limited, but a slightly higher resolution allows for more detail. That three pixel blob is now a seven pixel blob and it kind-of/sort-of looks like what it’s supposed to be.

Aside from some technical problems (which are slowly getting fixed with each release) my biggest problem with the game was its end-game. I was not prepared for the final interrogation in which I was supposed to type in the names and actions of the guilty parties and much more. The idea here is that it will add replay-ability as you realize all the clues you missed, but I do not have the patience to replay most games, especially an adventure game. I would have preferred if the game had a similar, lower stakes version of this interrogation in the first act to prepare me in advance and make me more aware of the importance of note-taking and the thorough investigation of everything.

But, overall it was enjoyable and more detail oriented players will probably like it quite a bit.

The Little Sister by Raymond Chandler (6/10)

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For whatever reason this Philip Marlowe novel did not click with me. I had long stretches where I put it down and then was completely confused by the plot when I picked it up again a week later. Also, it didn’t quite evoke the film noir vibes as much as his previous books. I was probably just never really in the mood for this one so take this review with a grain of salt.