The Sinning Lens by Mark Tryon

Posted on

This trashy 1953 novel was published by Vixen Press. It tells the story of Mitch, a stunning nineteen-year-old sociology major who sidelines as a photography model. After a disastrously failed attempt to bring art to the rural community of Mullen she takes up modeling full-time. She eventually becomes entangled in the dark web of an underground pornography ring led by one Ida Untermeyer. Mitch begins to loose stray too far and she soon realizes she has to find a way out…

Her plan is a simple one: break into Ida office and burn her file cabinet. Freeing herself and the good photographers from the blackmailing claws of Ida Untermeyer. You see, Ida has this cabinet full of photos that go too far over the edge and could be incriminating to all those involved. Well, Mitch is successful! She frees herself from Ida’s sick game. This brings Mitch into direct conflict with Ida whose rage explodes into the best passage of the book…a stellar catfight which is this novel’s Bent Page excerpt. This excerpt picks up just after Ida finds out from Mitch that it was she who burned her files:


Ida pricked up her ears. “Burned them? What do you know about burning?”

But Mitch had said it on purpose. She laughed. “Oh, I know all about it–you said so yourself.”

Ida almost screamed in frustration. “Don’t you get smart with me, you little snip,” she cried coarsely. “I’ll beat your brains in!”

Mitch stood up, every authoritative quality in her sounding a ringing battle cry. “Do it,” she said. “Do it, please. Ever since I found out what kind of bondage I’m in to you I’ve wanted something like this to happen. I may not be able to get away from you, but you’re not going to get much enjoyment out of my company. You and your filthy business.”

She turned to leave, but before she was halfway across the bedroom floor, Ida leaped on her like a huge cat, her fingers entwining in Mitch’s hair.

A great joy surged through Mitch. Suddenly all her misery, all her terror, all the hurts that had come her way since that awful night in Mullen poured into her muscles like liquid power. Ida became the symbol of the forces that had victimized her. A dreadful, joyous desire to destroy the blonde came over her.

With vicious strength she planted her left elbow in Ida’s stomach and as the soft flesh gave, she swung left, her right fist coming around in a wide arc. It caught Ida flush in the chin and flung her backward to the floor.

Then Mitch was on her, raining blows on her stricken face.

This is for me and this is for Craig and this is for Vince and this is for X and for X and for X…all the unknowns whose lives you’ve enslaved and whose happiness and security you’ve ruined–you and your kind–her and in Mullen and wherever you hide out in your slimy caves. This is what I’ll do to your ugly, leering face!

Ida’s clawing fingers caught at the front of Mitch’s dress and tore it straight down. It dropped about her shoulders and she moved back and rose to her feet in order to get a chance to free her encumbered arms.

In a flash, Ida-her nose bleeding-jumped up while Mitch struggled with the dress, and swung her foot violently in a well-aimed kick.

It caught Mitch in the stomach. The breath flew from her and she collapsed on the rug, lungs heaving convulsively for air.

Ida looked about wildly. On the dresser was a leather belt. She ran quickly and picked it up, the returned to the fallen Mitch, the belt raised above her head. Mitch’s dress was hanging about her waist and her heaving breasts were straining at the tight brassiere.

The belt came down across Mitch’s back with a stinging pain that brought Mullen back like an explosion in her mind. She managed to get to her feet, and lurching forward, she grabbed at the waistband of Ida’s skirt. The band gave and as the skirt dropped about Ida’s ankles, Mitch swung hard and hit the solid flesh of one upthrust breast.

Ida screamed with pain and attempted to retreat. She stumbled on the skirt and fell back against the bed.

Mitch was right after her. She tore the blouse down from the woman’s shoulders until it served as a restraint on the freedom of her arms, then she ripped the brassiere underneath and raked her fingernails over Ida’s breasts, leaving long, red, bleeding streaks.

The tears were running down both their faces. Ida’s were mingling with blood from her nose, making a sopping mess.

Ida writhed and twisted, but Mitch sat on top of her. She reached for the belt as Ida fought madly to retain it. As Mitch leaned forward, trying to clamp down the flailing wrists, Ida sank her teeth through the brassiere into the soft breast that Mitch presented directly above her face.

Mitch pulled back with a jerk and Ida helped with a push. As Mitch fell backward, she felt her dress slipping down over her hips and thighs. She sat heavily on the floor and Ida got up, hastily removing her now encumbering blouse. Both girls were down to their undies, Mitch in her pale yellow panties and brassiere and Ida wearing nothing but a pair of tiny transparent white panties.

Again Mitch felt the belt, this time across her breasts. It cut cruelly and she cried out with pain. She flung herself at Ida, grabbing her about the knees and then they were both down, rolling over and over on the rug, scratching and clawing at each other. Mitch’s brassiere was torn from her and she had to fight frantically to protect her free-swinging breasts from Ida’s nails and teeth. Finally she managed to get loose long enough to slam her knee into Ida’s groin. The agent gasped and her hands flew to protect that region. The belt fell from her fingers and Mitch grabbed it up at once and started raining blows on her.

Ida writhed and twisted and tried to escape the cutting, stinging lashes. She crawled along the floor and huddled against the furniture. She tried to get to her feet, but each time the leather whined through the air and cut her down again. Finally she lay crying and whimpering in the middle of the floor, her lungs panting and straining for air, her body still and taking blows wherever they fell.

She was criss-crossed with red welts, from her knees to her neck, both front and back. Her panties hung in strips about her hips.

At last the fury played itself out in Mitch. She threw the belt into a corner of the room and started towards the bathroom. What she needed was a hot bath. She was sick with Ida and sick with herself. She felt fulfilled and statiated, triumphant and disgusted, all at the same time.

Ida stirred. “Mitch,” she whimpered. “Mitch.”

Mitch stopped and turned, looked down at the naked bruised form on the floor. “What?” she said calmly.

“Help me, honey. I hurt.”

“Damn right, you hurt,” Mitch said dryly, but a little spark of pity lighted in her at the utter abjectness of her victim.

“Help me up, please. Please.”

Mitch went to the blonde and helped her to her feet.

“Oooh,” Ida murmured, a strange note of lascivious coyness in her voice, “am I sore!”

Mitch looked at her in amazement. Why wasn’t Ida bawling? Why wasn’t she cursing her? The blonde head was resting against her shoulder and she felt a strange inexplicable thrill run through her. What was this?

“Please, Mitch, run some hot water in the tub and help me wash away these awful welts.”

She led Ida to the bed. The blonde sat down and waited patiently while Mitch ran the bath. Mitch came back and helped her free herself of the torn panties that still hung about her thighs, then led her into the bathroom to the tub. Mitch sat on the edge of the tub and gently laved the bruises and the welts and the fingernail-marks with warm water and gentle soap.

All the while, Ida was making little moaning, whimpering sounds. When Mitch ran her soft, soapy hands over the cuts on Ida’s breasts, she felt the points harden and Ida breathed a soft, “A-a-ah.”

Mitch was utterly confused. This was not what she had expected. At the same time she felt a kind of tenderness toward the woman she had just beaten so brutally, for she did not feel that she had been entirely fair. She had made Ida pay for every mean thing that had happened to her during the last few months. And after all, Ida could not be held accountable for everything. She had used Ida as a scapegoat, in a manner of speaking. She felt a kind of pity toward the bruised body under her hands, and her hands began to show her compassion.

Finally Ida stood up with difficulty. “Rub me real gently with the towel, will you, dear?” she begged, and Mitch patted her dry. “I want to lie down for a little while.”

Mitch helped her to bed. She turned down the covers and Ida stretched out on the clean, cool sheet. When Mitch turned to go back to the bathroom, Ida called softly, “Mitch. Mitch don’t go away. Don’t leave me.”

Mitch turned back.

Ida’s voice went on, “Come here, please, Mitch. Come close. Sit down here.” She patted the sheet at her side.

Mitch, almost in a trance of astonishment, sat down. Suddenly she felt Ida’s arms about her neck and she felt herself pulled down. The arms closed convulsively tight.

Ida panted, “Mitch . . . Mitch . . . I love you. I love you!

Zardoz

Posted on

While on vacation in Tinsel-Town, I had the pleasure of viewing the 1974 Sci-Fi epic, Zardoz. This film, John Boorman’s follow up to his masterpiece, Deliverance, ranks amongst the most confused and misguided pieces of cinema I have ever witnessed. Suffice to say I loved every minute of it.

Like Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer SpaceZardoz is a complete train wreck that fails at so many levels it has to be seen to be believed. If you don’t want me to spoil the fun for you, stop reading and go rent it now (it’s coming out on DVD later this month), otherwise what follows is my synopsis of this debacle.

Zardoz is undoubtedly a product of the early seventies, when hippies were still stinking up the land and all the hipsters were out to “expand their minds.” The film, I suppose, owes much to Stanley Kubrick’s, 2001: A Space Odyssey. This chart maps the comparison:

2001: A Space OdysseyZardoz
Set in the near future (2001)Set in the distant future (2293)
Trippy planetariumesque light showSlide projections on Sean Connery’s tangled nest of a chest
Deals with man’s evolution to the next level, floating space fetusesA cast of immortals, the supposed pinnacle of human evolution, who go topless at the drop of a hat
A perplexing ending in which the main character rapdidly ages through the stages life.A perplexing ending in which the main character rapidly ages through the stages of life.

All this worked in Kubrick’s movie, what was Zardoz missing that could have taken it to the next level? My guess is that it’s Zardoz’s general lack of monkeys. This was Kubrick’s genius. The man knew how to push the monkey to boring plot ratio. Boorman came close to achieving this sublime balance by casting Sean Connery in the role of Zed’s hairy chest, but falls just short of the mark.

Most of the film does consist of Sean Connery running around in a reddish Speedo™ and knee-high boots, with nothing but a bandoleer covering his chest. My reaction during the first third of the movie wavered between being in awe of this ridiculous outfit and wondering why Connery even accepted this stupid role.

For all its failings, there are some seemingly grandiose ideas lurking behind the cheese. The movie actually opens with the floating head of Arthur Frayn proclaiming that the story we are about to witness is of great importance, “rich in irony and most satirical.” You would think that somehow a guy with a painted on moustache and an English accent couldn’t possibly mislead you. However, by the end you realize his monologue bears the same message delivered in Criswell’s intro to Plan 9: “Future events such as these will effect you… in the future!”

The whole thing seemed to be about something. What is truth behind our existence? Who controls the floating god-head of Zardoz? Are guns really better than a penis? Wouldn’t it be great if we all died? The only real message I got from the film was that drugs are bad, they make you do embarrassing things, they make horrible film ideas come to fruition.

Much of the film’s plot centers on the giant floating stone head of Zardoz. The question that perplexes the residents of the Vortex and the one that the film makers want the audience to be perplexed about is, “How did Zed get inside the stone head?” This doesn’t provide much of a driving plot line. Many times throughout the movie, the question most of us as viewers want answered are more along the lines of, “What just happened?” The movie is filled with little goofy touches: one of the character’s voice cutting in and out for his friends’ amusement, green bread, mud wrestling, zombie-like characters who drink sweat for power, group-meditation, and gratuitous toplessness.

Fortunately, later this month Zardoz will be released on DVD. The DVD will include John Boorman’s commentary. I am hopeful that his commentary will amount to more than an apology to his fans, and that they truly let some light on the meaning behind this cinematic debacle.

Quote me if I’m Wrong: The English Language vs. My Dad

Posted on

My father, like our recent commander in chief, has an uncanny knack for flubbing phrases and for saying things that are just plain bizarre. His co-workers quickly picked up on this and for more than twenty years they have been keeping track of all the crazy things he’s muttered.

My Dad - Gomerisms

My father, like our recent commander in chief, has an uncanny knack for flubbing phrases and for saying things that are just plain bizarre. His co-workers quickly picked up on this and for more than twenty years they have been keeping track of all the crazy things he’s muttered.

At his retirement party they gave him a bound and hand lettered volume containing all of his “Gomerisms.” For your enjoyment, I present you with the complete listing. A word of warning, a number of these are either inside jokes or relate to medical stuff that the average Joe won’t get. But don’t fret, the majority defy any explanation anyway.

A special thank you to Dr. Ralph Bransky whose idea it was to have these recorded and Dennis Flack for recording them for prosperity!

Dr. Robert C. Gomez’s “Gomerisms” from 1979 to 2001

  • The fire is in our basket.
  • This guy is going to fly like a rose.
  • Little things come in little packages.
  • You can’t put the cart between the horse.
  • I guess I’ll have to swallow that in my mouth.
  • He’s biting his chin.
  • Two by night.
  • Intentions are never planned as they want to be.
  • How to make a pig’s ear out of a sow.
  • I knew I had ESPN.
  • Forty days has September.
  • He wants all the A’s and B’s dotted.
  • He knows how to butter, butter.
  • You can even walk in these shoes.
  • Last guys come in last.
  • Don’t you recognize your keys when you hear them?
  • Walk on your knees like a cat.
  • That’s the trouble when you yell fox to many times.
  • You have to go to the movie to see the music.
  • It’s kinda like whose got the salami.
  • Look at the two groom’s and one groom’s maid.
  • I usually can’t tell till the eleventh or twelfth month. (refering to a pregnancy)
  • She’s not bad for the way she looks.
  • Six of one two thirds of another.
  • Quote me if I’m wrong.
  • The cards are on the wall.
  • Back in the black ages.
  • If you don’t buy from me you’ll buy to much.
  • When you hear the horses look for the zebra.
  • He who laughs last dies last.
  • Engrained in the future.
  • All meat and no potatoes.
  • That’s like biting off your nose to kill your face.
  • That was melted in concrete.
  • The barn has been doored.
  • Tis far better to look dumb than to never have looked at all.
  • The patient had slurred vision.
  • What kind of Chinaman are you when you can’t even speak Japanese?
  • The worm is in the bag.
  • It’s like running faster but going slower you never catch up.
  • All good things are hard.
  • Who’s the guy that walks around in a wheelchair?
  • We’ll just have to buy the beans.
  • Down on your flow (you know B L)
  • We’ll have to get this done while the hot iron is flashing.
  • Well that’s the way the corkscrews.
  • Say what is on your head?
  • I think we’ve got them pinched off at the pass.
  • If I were me.
  • It’s as easy as shooting dead ducks.
  • Women will be women.
  • Hip scop and a jump.
  • I’ll be a chicken’s uncle.
  • That’s one of those little know facts that people wish they never knew.
  • Stranger than fiction but better than fact.
  • Do you have any kids on fire now?
  • He’s growing like a chief.
  • Well it’s about time she wets her wings.
  • You can’t get hurt if you lose.
  • Tits would look better on a boar.
  • Adding coal to the fire.
  • You’ve got a memory like a horse.
  • Sometimes you can’t see the trees when your in the forest.
  • Be kind to those who don’t know anything, for they shall create the earth.
  • Shifting of the guard.
  • Typhoon Rosemary.
  • She knows which side her dish is placed on.
  • It’s a nail bender.
  • Take those blood gases, put some salt on them, and shove them where it doesn’t rain.
  • Patience is of essence.
  • You’ve got to eat some pie to know how the crow feels.
  • Do you mean we have to do 49 more of these to get one survivor?
  • Hindsight is better than no sight.
  • You can’t get turnips from a rock.
  • I want my patients prepped alive.
  • Hand jibe it.
  • He’s still walking in the woods.
  • Slide together like butter and cream.
  • She’s really dragging her ankles.
  • Give this patient the bluegrass treatment.
  • I’ll believe it when I trust it.
  • You’ve got to get your ducks on the table.
  • It’s already out on the pom-poms.
  • We could sure use that finger person now.
  • Ok, but if you stab me you won’t have a head to walk on.
  • I’ve got a bunch of dead wood coming out of the closet.
  • It’s a blessing in sheep’s clothing.
  • Kids are yours.
  • Follow the yellow brick dots.
  • That’s damn near a six-pack.
  • Haven’t cracked any bridges yet.
  • Sitting there talking Whalish. (refering to a family from Wales)
  • I can’t tell candy from soda pop.
  • It’s about time we sever the spinal cord.
  • Frank Buffone.
  • The must take it on the chin in the feet.
  • That’s the icing on the cream.
  • Down like a light.
  • I’m on the Muscular Sclerosis drive.
  • He’s talking out of his other cheek.
  • Dave, are you rotating?
  • Excuse me, I’m talking out loud.
  • The kidneys aren’t beating.
  • That’s cardiac surgery “1985”.
  • By the teeth of his chin.
  • Look, I’ve got bisexual gloves.
  • He’s going to turn up the fires.
  • It was fresh on my tongue.
  • Live in Osborne Australia.
  • Muddle the waters.
  • We’re going to get those guys to eat their chains.
  • What’s the joltage?
  • He’s dying to get a new heart.
  • Balls of fun.
  • Speak and you shall find.
  • The flight of hand.
  • Off the top of my hands.
  • Driving through the blaring snow.
  • He’s been standing on his feet all of his life.
  • From an eyeballs point of view.
  • Get a muzzle in the air.
  • And I mean every minute of it.
  • A pigment of you imagination.
  • The Tom Donahue show.
  • Better to bite than to swallow.
  • I’m going to give him a nine full-court.
  • In the blistering snow.
  • Don’t say that, malignancies start to happen.
  • You’ve got to get some bones on your meat.
  • The early worm gets the screw.
  • Let’s give two in the bucket (FFP).
  • Are these disposable, or for one time use.
  • Laughing and laughing until you turn blue in the horse.
  • Is the Pope Polish, does the sunrise in the west?
  • How many calories does that have anyway? (The Hope diamond)
  • Bite your mouth.
  • Get B.O. (B.S.)
  • You get what you see.
  • Sauce in the ointment.
  • Don’t bite the dog that feeds you.
  • It’s beginning to sound like a dead record.
  • It’s time to circle the horses around the Indians.
  • It’ll all fan out.
  • Don’t put all your horses in one basket.
  • After years of traveling you lose your wonder lust.
  • This case will be a piece of pie.
  • An elephant can’t forget better than you.
  • A fly in the night ointment.
  • I’ve got a lot more apathy for my patients now.
  • It doesn’t amount to a hill of bananas.
  • Dinner at Art Carnegies.
  • Every year is just another year.
  • This sucker sucks.
  • The early bird rises first.
  • That’s putting the nail on the head.
  • I don’t know what happened, but what happened, happened, when it happened.
  • Go get a Texas Instrument and pit it in him. (Catheter)
  • This is like the free stooges, Larry, Harry and Curly.
  • Well I think everything that has been said, has been said.

Note: We have since found out that this type jumbling of sayings may actually be a speech impairment along the lines of stuttering. My Dad is a very smart and well-read man, but he did stutter somewhat when he was younger.

Al Gore: Master Debater

Posted on

Well, I just finished watching the first debate of the 2000 election. Here is a doodle I made of Al Gore during the broadcast. All the pundits talk about how great a debater Al is, but I just can’t get past his overplayed emotions and his I’m-talking-to-a-6-year-old delivery. Hey, and has anybody seen his eyebrows!?! My ol’ uncle Mervis P. Napkin once told me, “Never trust a man who ain’t got no eyebrows… they gets all that sweat in their eyes and that ain’t right.” There’s definitely something above his eyes, a weird lump of skin or something. Perhaps some silly putty clumps?

They do a lot of Democrat/Al Gore design pieces in the design studio where I work. They make a point out of covering up or cropping his wispy bald spot in the photos they use. I wish they would just airbrush in some Dekaukus/apeman eyebrows. It just ain’t right. Or as Mr. Gore like to say in his best, condescending tone, “That would be unconscionable, and that means… BAAADD!!

CDUniverse: My Online Shopping Woes

Posted on

Recently, I took my first foray into ordering music from a major online retailer. Normally I avoid online music vendors. Unlike books, where you can find sites offering up to 40% of the cover price, there aren’t any good discounts on CDs at the major vendors like Amazon, CDNow, or CDUniverse. Sure, they always say you are geting a 10% discount, but that’s usually off the mall-markup price where CDs tend to go for seventeen-fifty bucks a pop. I pretty much refuse to pay more than $13.50 for music, and even that’s excessive.(a good rule of thumb: never pay more than a dollar a song)

Not following my own advice, during a dry spell at work, I decided to do some music shopping online. I figured the price of the markup would be equivalent to the cost of me getting to a record store here in the city. I found a couple of CD I wanted at CDUniverse and they were actually reasonably priced, sans-shipping that is.

The ordering process was simple enough. There was, however, a cryptic Hold for 3 Days dropdown bit that wasn’t explained very well. I chose first class shipping, which was supposed to arrive in 2 to 7 days. This, I soon found out, was not to be the case.

Having ordered on a Friday, I patiently waited over the weekend, expecting my CDs to arrive on the following Monday or Tuesday. Neither of the CDs was on backorder, yet they held my order for 3 days waiting for backordered items to arrive!?! I guess that explained the Wait 3 Days dropdown I had no choice but to select. It appeared my CDs were to be shipped, rather than receive my CDs on Monday.

The bit about the whole transaction that really ticked me off was the fact that it then took 2 full weeks for the CDs to arrive. The reply to my complaint was basically that their orders don’t take 2-7 days as advertised on their site, rather, I was to allow 7 to 14 business days. If I had known it would take half a month to complete my transaction, I would have just walked to the nearest mega-music store during my lunch break and just forgot about saving a couple of bucks.

The final blow in this ordeal was that when the CDs finally arrived, the jewel cases were smashed to hell due to poor packaging by CDUniverse’s shipping department. Sure, they’ll send new jewel cases if you request them, but wouldn’t be cheaper for them just to put an extra sheet of bubble wrap around the CDs? Or how about just shipping your stuff priority mail. $3.50 would cover half a dozen CDs, and it would only take 3 days to be shipped.

CDUniverse, you SUCK! I hope you and the rest of the lame-ass e-Commerce scam artists are destroyed in the great dot com crush! If you are looking for music, support to your closest independent record shop and give the finger to all eMusic vendors.