This is a wrapper I created to launch promotional animations for Ajenda Interactive Media. The idea was that you could scroll through the dozens of animations we created and launch them from this page. Unfortunately, we only had one animation to feature at the time this was launched. Be sure to click everything you see.

The Ajenda Creativity Engine is a self-promotional Flash animation I did for Ajenda Interactive Media. It won first place (category: Entertainment/Games) in Chicago’s Association for Multimedia Communication’s first annual FlashFest.

Flash Lives on at the Internet Archive

You can view the animation using their incredible Flash emulator.

Now, before I lay out the specifics of my case against Phineas and Ferb let me preface this by saying that that it is not the worst cartoon out there (I would watch it over Dora or even The Suite Life with Zak and Cody any day), and I will admit to liking the occasional joke from the show. However, the show is such a blatant example of everything that wrong with most TV animation that I have to single it out.

1. Horrible Art and Character Design

The thing you notice when you first see an episode of Phineas and Ferb is Phineas’s big, ridiculous triangular head with his blank expressionless face. Ha, ha! That’s so silly! Then it sinks in. They never deviate from the character sheet. Seriously, do a Google image search and the most variety you will see is the occasional frown or sleepy-eyed Phineas. Compare this with the artistic insanity of Bob Clampett or John Kricfalusi where every nuance of emotion is rendered in exaggerated, malleable glory. There is no strict adherence to the character sheet. If the mood calls for a squishy wet Stimpy, there is no limit to the imaginative use of drawing in a Ren and Stimpy cartoon. I imagine that the slave laborers at Disney Animation are whipped if they come up with any sort of drawing that strays from the monotonous look of the characters on the patterned bed sheets that they are cranking out at the other end of the factory.

2. Zero Dimensional Characters

Not only do the characters look bland, they are written with the same committedness to blandness that one finds in a hospice bedside meal. At least in hospice you can look forward to a late afternoon sponge bath from an orderly (hopefully a former member of The Fat Boys). Take a moment to think about some of the great characters of animation such as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck or even Spongebob Squarepants. We know these characters. We know that they will each think, emote and act differently given the same situation. All we know about Phineas and Ferb is that they might, er… build… something? This harkins to the experiment posed by RedLetterMedia in their excellent review of the Phantom Menace. In that video, various people are asked to describe characters from Episode I without reverting to their job or physical appearance. It proves to be an impossible task.

Take a look at the main group of kids in Phineas ‘n’ Ferb, there’s the nerdy kid, the bully, the girl with a crush on Phineas. Sure they all have different “jobs,” but in the end they all react and behave exactly the same. There’s no dynamic or conflict other than the occasional, “I, ‘the bully,’ did something mean to ‘the nerd’ sometime in the past but that’s okay, we are all pals just the same.” Extend beyond this main group of characters and the same applies. Candice exists only to bring an end to the boys’ daily activity, Perry exists only to give Doofenshmirtz an antagonist. I guess that you could argue that Doofenshmirtz has some character to him, but, unfortunately, he’s a captive of the rigid and formulaic plots of each episode. Speaking of which…

3. Plots and Jokes Built Entirely on a Formula a.k.a. Boring Story Telling

Okay, now I hear you saying, “Now, Mr. Webmaster Sir, there are plenty of great cartoons out there, like South Park for instance, that are drawn horribly and aren’t deep character studies, but dammit they’re funny!” True. But unlike that show, Phineas and Ferb relies almost entirely on formulaic plots and catch phrases for jokes. The shows are so mechanical and by-the-book that, more often than not, the supposed laughs come from pointing out the slight variances from the standard plot bullet points. This leaves no room for going off the ranch and trying something creative and fun. It’s like a half-hour animated jack-in-the-box: keep turning the crank and listen to that familiar little weasel tune… eventually, “Pop!” and the lid flies open and Jack the clown of your nightmares springs up. This can be pretty exciting and fun the first time around, but after you reset the clown and turn the crank again, the only people who will be amused are two-year-olds and the drooling idiots who buy Rihanna albums (sometimes one in the same thing).

Luigi Cozzi’s Hercules is one of the greatest movies ever made about bear punching. Part of what really sells the bear punching in this film is the pure rage depicted in the facial expressions of the movie’s star, Lou Ferrigno. In order to demonstrate this, I have compiled some best stills from the movie for your browsing enjoyment. Note the vein-popping fury shown here as Mr. Ferrigno enters his fugue state of uncontrollable ferocity.

Fully enraged, let the bear punching begin! 

There’s only one place for the likes of you… SPACE!!!

Raaarrrrr! Die erector set monster! DIE!

Chariots of the gods? Hell no! Chariots of throbbing rage!

I am Hercules, son of Zues.Taste my FURY!!!

I will crush your puny minons and feast on their souls!!

My back may be against a wall, but your false gods will wither before my screams!

Arrrgh! By the gods, my wrist is aflame!

The weak shall perish!

Something, something FURY!!!! Expect a glossy coffee table book soon.

It pains me when I hear my more liberal friends and family members go off on the movement. This ranges from the lefty catch-all of calling anyone who disagrees with them a fascist, to pointing out the one less-than-moron in the crowd of thousands who decided to draw a Hitler mustache on a xerox of the president, to spewing the ever-so-clever insult, “Teabaggers!”

This morning, the news channels are all abuzz with stories about the seathing cauldron… er, teapot of hate that is the Tea Party movement. These reports range from being overblown to being downright false. At the moment, the movement needs as much support as it can get. So, in order to do my part (without actually having to leave my cave), I have put together this protest sign for you young Tea Party activists to bring to your next rally:

The “Teabaggee” line is borrowed from a Twitter post by Jim Treacher from several months ago. I added the balls (You can never have enough balls, just ask the disembodied ghost of the great juggling enthusiast, Michael Jackson). I liked the way the phrase takes ownership of the word teabagger and throws it back in the face, literally, of those who use it as an insult. I went with this poster idea because it is juvenile, borderline offensive (without being graphic) and, by throwing in the words “limited government” and “fiscal responsibility,” it has a touch of seriousness. Anyhow, I think it would make a good sign in a crowd of Tea Partiers. If you think so too, feel free to grab the PDF and give it a go. Let me know if you manage to use it somehow.

This  is a movie that I helped Nova put together using Flash. She did all the art and sounds and I helped her move things around.

Here we have a half-assed game I made with flash. There is no way to win and one way to lose. Avoid the red creature by using the arrow buttons to move your character. The fact that I got the enemy to move towards the player was a big deal for me. This basic animation could be the basis for some real games in the future.

This is my first serious attempt at interactivity in Flash. Like the title says, this is a fully-functional head. You can make the eyes move, drag it around, make it talk, resize it and rotate it. Big-time fun for all!

This is the sort of thing that happens when technology falls into the wrong hands. You know you love it, so don’t even pretend.

…and this is one of my better flash movies. Starring John Burgess as the voice of the old man. The joke is ripped-off from a Cheech and Chong gag.

Like Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space, Zardoz is a complete train wreck that fails at so many levels it has to be seen to be believed. If you don’t want me to spoil the fun for you, stop reading and go rent it now (it’s coming out on DVD later this month), otherwise what follows is my synopsis of this debacle.

Zardoz is undoubtedly a product of the early seventies, when hippies were still stinking up the land and all the hipsters were out to “expand their minds.” The film, I suppose, owes much to Stanley Kubrick’s, 2001: A Space Odyssey. This chart maps the comparison:

All this worked in Kubrick’s movie, what was Zardoz missing that could have taken it to the next level? My guess is that it’s Zardoz’s general lack of monkeys. This was Kubrick’s genius. The man knew how to push the monkey to boring plot ratio. Boorman came close to achieving this sublime balance by casting Sean Connery in the role of Zed’s hairy chest, but falls just short of the mark.

Most of the film does consist of Sean Connery running around in a reddish Speedo and knee-high boots, with nothing but a bandoleer covering his chest. My reaction during the first third of the movie wavered between being in awe of this ridiculous outfit and wondering why Connery even accepted this stupid role.

For all its failings, there are some seemingly grandiose ideas lurking behind the cheese. The movie actually opens with the floating head of Arthur Frayn proclaiming that the story we are about to witness is of great importance, “rich in irony and most satirical.” You would think that somehow a guy with a painted on moustache and an English accent couldn’t possibly mislead you. However, by the end you realize his monologue bears the same message delivered in Criswell’s intro to Plan 9: “Future events such as these will effect you… in the future!”

The whole thing seemed to be about something. What is truth behind our existence? Who controls the floating god-head of Zardoz? Are guns really better than a penis? Wouldn’t it be great if we all died? The only real message I got from the film was that drugs are bad, they make you do embarrassing things, they make horrible film ideas come to fruition.

Much of the film’s plot centers on the giant floating stone head of Zardoz. The question that perplexes the residents of the Vortex and the one that the film makers want the audience to be perplexed about is, “How did Zed get inside the stone head?” This doesn’t provide much of a driving plot line. Many times throughout the movie, the question most of us as viewers want answered are more along the lines of, “What just happened?” The movie is filled with little goofy touches: one of the character’s voice cutting in and out for his friends’ amusement, green bread, mud wrestling, zombie-like characters who drink sweat for power, group-meditation, and gratuitous toplessness.

Fortunately, later this month Zardoz will be released on DVD. The DVD will include John Boorman’s commentary. I am hopeful that his commentary will amount to more than an apology to his fans, and that they truly let some light on the meaning behind this cinematic debacle.

My father, like our recent commander in chief, has an uncanny knack for flubbing phrases and for saying things that are just plain bizarre. His co-workers quickly picked up on this and for more than twenty years they have been keeping track of all the crazy things he’s muttered.

At his retirement party they gave him a bound and hand lettered volume containing all of his “Gomerisms.” For your enjoyment, I present you with the complete listing. A word of warning, a number of these are either inside jokes or relate to medical stuff that the average Joe won’t get. But don’t fret, the majority defy any explanation anyway.

A special thank you to Dr. Ralph Bransky whose idea it was to have these recorded and Dennis Flack for recording them for prosperity!

Dr. Robert C. Gomez’s “Gomerisms” from 1979 to 2001

• The fire is in our basket.
• This guy is going to fly like a rose.
• Little things come in little packages.
• You can’t put the cart between the horse.
• I guess I’ll have to swallow that in my mouth.
• He’s biting his chin.
• Two by night.
• Intentions are never planned as they want to be.
• How to make a pig’s ear out of a sow.
• I knew I had ESPN.
• Forty days has September.
• He wants all the A’s and B’s dotted.
• He knows how to butter, butter.
• You can even walk in these shoes.
• Last guys come in last.
• Don’t you recognize your keys when you hear them?
• Walk on your knees like a cat.
• That’s the trouble when you yell fox to many times.
• You have to go to the movie to see the music.
• It’s kinda like whose got the salami.
• Look at the two groom’s and one groom’s maid.
• I usually can’t tell till the eleventh or twelfth month. (refering to a pregnancy)
• She’s not bad for the way she looks.
• Six of one two thirds of another.
• Quote me if I’m wrong.
• The cards are on the wall.
• Back in the black ages.
• If you don’t buy from me you’ll buy to much.
• When you hear the horses look for the zebra.
• He who laughs last dies last.
• Engrained in the future.
• All meat and no potatoes.
• That’s like biting off your nose to kill your face.
• That was melted in concrete.
• The barn has been doored.
• Tis far better to look dumb than to never have looked at all.
• The patient had slurred vision.
• What kind of Chinaman are you when you can’t even speak Japanese?
• The worm is in the bag.
• It’s like running faster but going slower you never catch up.
• All good things are hard.
• Who’s the guy that walks around in a wheelchair?
• We’ll just have to buy the beans.
• Down on your flow (you know B L)
• We’ll have to get this done while the hot iron is flashing.
• Well that’s the way the corkscrews.
• Say what is on your head?
• I think we’ve got them pinched off at the pass.
• If I were me.
• It’s as easy as shooting dead ducks.
• Women will be women.
• Hip scop and a jump.
• I’ll be a chicken’s uncle.
• That’s one of those little know facts that people wish they never knew.
• Stranger than fiction but better than fact.
• Do you have any kids on fire now?
• He’s growing like a chief.
• Well it’s about time she wets her wings.
• You can’t get hurt if you lose.
• Tits would look better on a boar.
• Adding coal to the fire.
• You’ve got a memory like a horse.
• Sometimes you can’t see the trees when your in the forest.
• Be kind to those who don’t know anything, for they shall create the earth.
• Shifting of the guard.
• Typhoon Rosemary.
• She knows which side her dish is placed on.
• It’s a nail bender.
• Take those blood gases, put some salt on them, and shove them where it doesn’t rain.
• Patience is of essence.
• You’ve got to eat some pie to know how the crow feels.
• Do you mean we have to do 49 more of these to get one survivor?
• Hindsight is better than no sight.
• You can’t get turnips from a rock.
• I want my patients prepped alive.
• Hand jibe it.
• He’s still walking in the woods.
• Slide together like butter and cream.
• She’s really dragging her ankles.
• Give this patient the bluegrass treatment.
• I’ll believe it when I trust it.
• You’ve got to get your ducks on the table.
• It’s already out on the pom-poms.
• We could sure use that finger person now.
• Ok, but if you stab me you won’t have a head to walk on.
• I’ve got a bunch of dead wood coming out of the closet.
• It’s a blessing in sheep’s clothing.
• Kids are yours.
• Follow the yellow brick dots.
• That’s damn near a six-pack.
• Haven’t cracked any bridges yet.
• Sitting there talking Whalish. (refering to a family from Wales)
• I can’t tell candy from soda pop.
• It’s about time we sever the spinal cord.
• Frank Buffone.
• The must take it on the chin in the feet.
• That’s the icing on the cream.
• Down like a light.
• I’m on the Muscular Sclerosis drive.
• He’s talking out of his other cheek.
• Dave, are you rotating?
• Excuse me, I’m talking out loud.
• The kidneys aren’t beating.
• That’s cardiac surgery “1985”.
• By the teeth of his chin.
• Look, I’ve got bisexual gloves.
• He’s going to turn up the fires.
• It was fresh on my tongue.
• Live in Osborne Australia.
• Muddle the waters.
• We’re going to get those guys to eat their chains.
• What’s the joltage?
• He’s dying to get a new heart.
• Balls of fun.
• Speak and you shall find.
• The flight of hand.
• Off the top of my hands.
• Driving through the blaring snow.
• He’s been standing on his feet all of his life.
• From an eyeballs point of view.
• Get a muzzle in the air.
• And I mean every minute of it.
• A pigment of you imagination.
• The Tom Donahue show.
• Better to bite than to swallow.
• I’m going to give him a nine full-court.
• In the blistering snow.
• Don’t say that, malignancies start to happen.
• You’ve got to get some bones on your meat.
• The early worm gets the screw.
• Let’s give two in the bucket (FFP).
• Are these disposable, or for one time use.
• Laughing and laughing until you turn blue in the horse.
• Is the Pope Polish, does the sunrise in the west?
• How many calories does that have anyway? (The Hope diamond)
• Bite your mouth.
• Get B.O. (B.S.)
• You get what you see.
• Sauce in the ointment.
• Don’t bite the dog that feeds you.
• It’s beginning to sound like a dead record.
• It’s time to circle the horses around the Indians.
• It’ll all fan out.
• Don’t put all your horses in one basket.
• After years of traveling you lose your wonder lust.
• This case will be a piece of pie.
• An elephant can’t forget better than you.
• A fly in the night ointment.
• I’ve got a lot more apathy for my patients now.
• It doesn’t amount to a hill of bananas.
• Dinner at Art Carnegies.
• Every year is just another year.
• This sucker sucks.
• The early bird rises first.
• That’s putting the nail on the head.
• I don’t know what happened, but what happened, happened, when it happened.
• Go get a Texas Instrument and pit it in him. (Catheter)
• This is like the free stooges, Larry, Harry and Curly.
• Well I think everything that has been said, has been said.

Note: We have since found out that this type jumbling of sayings may actually be a speech impairment along the lines of stuttering. My Dad is a very smart and well-read man, but he did stutter somewhat when he was younger.

YOU GUYS ARE WANKERS! GET A LIFE!!!!! YOUR WHOLE LIFE DOSENT REVOLE AROUND THIS COMPUTER SO GET OUTSIDE AND ENJOY LIFE. YOU ONLY HAVE 3 DAYS LEFT OF LIFE BECAUSE I’M GONA BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE ON SUNDAY!!! AND I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE SO FUCKEN GET OUTSIDE! YOUR LIFE DOSEN’T REVOVLE AROUND THIS GAY COMPUTER! FUCK OFF IT! YOU PUNK! YOU SAY YOU GO OUT AND HANGROUND! WELL PROVE THAT! if you want to talk to me and have a cyber fight come on!!!!

-86342699

86342699, you’re my hero.