POF Archive: February 2018

I have been writing this drivel for decades. Browse through my archives by clicking the links below.

Flying Guillotine 2 (8/10)

The head severing basket on a chain is back and is as ridiculous as ever. When we last left off, our hero invented an umbrella that could thwart the guillotine, then beat his enemies, and then he went off to live a quiet life. Now a group of rebels are plotting to kill the tyrannical emperor and but, little do they know, the guillotines have gotten an upgrade. And thus begins the inane series of senseless plot points: convince emperor you are loyal, become the new flying guillotine crew, continue to gain trust, and then, rather than just kill the emperor, steal plans to guillotine so rebels…

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Mon, 02/26/2018 - 21:18

Samurai Cop (6/10)

I'm sure I would have enjoyed this more if I had watched it with friends and alcohol. Samurai Cop is a classic "so bad it's good" movie with terrible acting, writing and directing. It's filled with typical z-movie inexplicable moments and several painfully long love scenes. The best part of the movie is Frank the side kick and his goofy expressions.

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Sun, 02/25/2018 - 22:02

The Crimson Crown on Apple ][ (8/10)

A Fortress Looms across the Chasm

This sequel to the classic Apple ][ adventure game Transylvania has you returning to the same locations as the first game once again to fight the evil Vampire. The game is twice as big and is a bit more refined. I played the updated 1985 version of the game which runs on the Comprehend game engine which is probably the best implementation of a text/graphics hybrid adventure system. You can use a few prepositions and, in this game, you can command other characters to complete puzzles.

Flip your disk kiddo!

The game spans both sides of a 5.25" floppy and offers around fifty locations to explore. There's not much…

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Wed, 02/21/2018 - 22:24

Transylvania on Apple ][ (8/10)

A Menacing Werewolf in Transylvania

Transylvania is a hybrid text/graphical adventure originally for the Apple ][. This was a big hit back in the day and was ported to just about every other 8-bit machine. I loved these types of adventure games but was really, really bad at them. In hindsight, most of them were brutally unfair and prone to the bad game design cliches of the era such as instant death and guess-the-verb puzzles. Still, I remember seeing screenshots of that menacing werewolf in issues of Softalk or A+ magazine and wanting to try this game.

A Menacing Vampyre in Transylvania

Playing Transylvania for the first time after so many years, I was…

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Fri, 02/09/2018 - 23:59

The Black Cat (7/10)

I think this might be the fourth Italian horror movie I've seen that's based on Poe's story, The Black Cat. None of them actually follow the original story except for the inclusion of the titular cat and a scene where someone is bricked up behind a basement wall. This is Lucio Fulci's take and, as such, includes a little bit of corny gore (the burning scene is probably the best) and a lot extreme close-up eye shots. Outside of the beautiful photography and R-rated elements, this seems like a made for T.V. movie.

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Thu, 02/08/2018 - 14:37

Crippled Avengers (7/10)

I assumed that they would have hired actual disabled people to star in this and expected it to be a little more tasteless than it was. Alas, the lead "cripples" are all played by actual abled kung-fu masters. They do show a child having his arms off, so there's that. It also features a man being turned into an idiot through head compression. Apparently rudimentary medical science isn't really that big in Hong Kong. The main focus here is acrobatic fighting with hoops, chains and poles. The disabilities don't really play into the fighting styles beyond the initial training montages.

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Mon, 02/05/2018 - 17:26

The Dark Backward (7/10)

It's a quirky comedy. A quirkedy! Just about everything about this movie is deliberately strange. The plot is basically a joke setup expanded to feature length... a guy walks into a bar with three arms... hilarity ensues. There was enough going on here to keep me entertained even though I felt it needed something more. Or maybe something less? When every character in the movie is an extreme caricature, there's nobody to latch on to by staying grounded in some vestige of reality. Marty comes close and, with his plastered hair and awkward stage presence, he is the blueprint for Neil Hamburger.

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Sun, 02/04/2018 - 21:48

The Tricky Master (5/10)

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a sequel to Tricky Brains, but it's just as bad as that film. This is filled with Hong Kong pop culture references and lame jokes and nothing really works. All of the conflict is resolved with weird Asian poker games that make no sense to me.

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Sun, 02/04/2018 - 16:54

God of Cookery (6/10)

Stephen Chow is an arrogant T.V. chef who is dethroned and must cook his way back to the top. Much of the humor is cultural and flew over my head, but there's enough of Chow's usual fantasy slapstick to keep me interested. However, it's not even close to the quality of his work in the 2000s. The highlight of the movie is Nancy Sit's cameo as a mean, dancing food critic.

Submitted by Robert Gomez on Sat, 02/03/2018 - 11:32